Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
It's Memorial Day! Time to celebrate all the people who have sacrificed for the greater good. Something you would never do.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
You’ll finally get your Ancestry DNA results back this week. The results will show you’re 50% Irish and 50% not your father’s child.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Oh hey, some good news this week! Just kidding. It’s all bad!
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
The Jehovah's Witnesses will take one look at you in your yard during their weekly rounds and decide you're a lost cause.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
Not everyone can be as smart as you. Don't let the dumb-dumbs get you down. (Diedre, we don't know how to tell you this, but we think your daughter escaped from the office closet. We thought she was chained tight but apparently not tight enough. Please don't fire us!)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
In an effort to be on-trend, you’ll part your hair in the middle and quickly get mistaken for a Hanson brother.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Congrats! Your friends will finally get blasted enough at the next hangout to not notice that you’re annoying af.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Fun times at work! Your staple order arrives this week. It's the only thing that will keep you from offing yourself.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
This week you finally find out that that Chinese character tattoo you got on your ankle when you were 19 is a racial slur.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Three different people will say you look like the ugly girl in that TV show this week.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
You'll take a major step forward in your wellness journey this week by eating potato chips on the couch instead of on the bed.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
How many pizzas can one person eat in a week?