Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
When we said paint the town red, we didn't mean murder everyone, you freak.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Your trip to the grocery store will end in tears after a shelf full of snack treats falls on you when you reach for the twinkies at the top. Tears of pain for you, tears of joy for everyone else.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
That lump on your breast isn't a tumor. It's a piece of chocolate that has hardened after it fell in your shirt two weeks ago.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Your date with the trash man this week will not go well. He wants to take out literal trash, not human trash.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
Just when we thought you couldn't get any more dazzling, here you are, lighting up the world. (Diedre, the lights in the office are incredibly bright, and we know you paid a lot for them but it's causing the interns to hallucinate.)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
Maybe learning to love yourself is easier said than done in your case.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Due to the shipping crisis, your Friendsgiving will consist of you and your friends sharing a banquet chicken pot pie that’s been in your freezer for the last eight months.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
It takes a lot of time and effort to become well-liked. Except in your case. There will never be enough time to make all of your friends actually like you.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
The Great Resignation? More like the Great Designation…as in, you’ll be designated to work at your crappy job forever. Don’t even think about using that PTO.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Now that it’s November, you can finally blame your gross, dry, scaly skin on the cold weather.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Who needs a boyfriend really? You. You do. You’re not going to make it on your own.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
What’s on our holiday wish list for you? Hopefully some antibiotics for that raging case of gonorrhea you have.