Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Life is just a never ending episode of Squid Game for you, isn't it?
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Remember when Aunt Beth said you look just like Grandma? She didn't mean when she was young.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
You are not unlikeable, so stop telling yourself that! You're unLOVEable.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Guess who's headed to the altar?! By altar we mean satanic altar. You'll be kidnapped by some devil worshippers this week.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
Glory is your name and life is for the taking! (Diedre, the cauldron full of that sticky red substance is bubbling over and burning a hole in the ground. Should we call someone?)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
Uh-oh, health scare! Don't worry, that tightness in your chest is just the realization of your failures sinking in. No need to call 9-1-1. Sit back and let the self-loathing absorb into your flesh.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Instead of Sober October, you'll decide to try Get Drunk Every Night Because What's the Point October.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
This week when your boss tells you to stay late, tell him no. He's going to fire you by Friday either way.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
You'll start howling at the moon, eating raw meat, running around naked this week. No, you're not a werewolf. You're a goddamn weirdo.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Your therapist will ask you to imagine your greatest fear. It's a broken ice cream machine at the Golden Corral.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
After playing with an Ouija board, you'll get in contact with a ghost. Your conversations will be so boring it will throw itself off a cliff all over again..
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
If looks could kill, you wouldn't.