Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Your trip to the pumpkin patch this week ends with you picking the only pumpkin that has deadly flesh-eating parasites hiding inside it.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
This week is a great time to take an impromptu road trip with no end goal in sight. You’ll have the time since you’ve just been let go from your job.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
What could be worse? Your boyfriend admits to cheating and breaks up with you, or getting bit by a rare and poisonous earthworm? Well, both are going to happen this week.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Spin class ends on a sour note this week when your instructor reveals that she actually knows nothing about teaching spin, and none of you have burned any calories for the last two hours.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
We can’t wait to see what you’re going to be for Halloween. We know it won’t be an angel, because you’re already one. You are the light that guides us Diedre!
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
Don’t even bother.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Your new boyfriend will invite you to game night with his buddies. Unfortunately, game night is a nine-hour campaign of Dungeons & Dragons. Better have your character ready.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
You’ll cause a six car pileup during rush hour traffic all because you and your besties had to pick this time to get on one of those drinking trolley bike pedal things.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Going all out this Halloween? Instead, why don’t you stay all in? Everyone will appreciate it.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Your Squid Game track suit costume was a great idea...until you get thrown into the back of the van and gassed, and you wake up as a real contestant in the actual Squid Game.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Meditation is good for the soul; unfortunately you have no soul so probably just take up pilates or something.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
We’re so happy that the weather is finally getting colder...and so happy you’ll be wearing more clothes! No one wanted to see your weird belly button when you wore your crop tops.