Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Go ahead and treat yourself to a cone filled with your favorite flavor! Too bad the ice cream parlor ran out and only has bubblegum-banana.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
What’s it gonna be for Halloween this year? Witch? Vampire? How about a big dumb idiot? At least you already have the costume for that.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
All creatures have purpose here on Earth. Except for you, I don’t really know why you’re here.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
That new lipstick color looks so good! But only on your sister. You should probably just give it to her since it does nothing for you.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
Take the week off and reward yourself for all the constant good deeds. You deserve this and everything this world has to offer!
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
For your first time out in over a year, you'll try that new club in town. Unfortunately, it’s a hardcore fetish club. Hope you like guys that are into feet covered in honey!
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Yay! The corner store near your apartment started carrying your favorite brand of mustard. That’s it. That’s all you have going for you.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
It’s not just your kids that hate you. Your husband loathes you, too. The family dog isn’t a fan, either.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
That new guy you’re dating that you’re going to introduce to your friends tonight? He’s actually a mannequin from the thrift store down the street. You should probably stop doing so much acid.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
For a Halloween treat, your neighbor will surprise you with a bag of trick or treat candy – those gross Necco wafer chalk things. That bitch.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
This never happens! A hot guy will see you and cross the street just to talk to you... all about joining the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Try something new this week. Like, maybe try getting a new face.