Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Your TikTok post will go viral! But only because young people won’t be able to stop laughing at how bad you dance!
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
You’ll insist on wearing your favorite fall sweater, global warming be damned! But you will melt into a pile of goo once you step outside. Happy Fall!
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
You will meet your Life Coach for the first time this week who will quickly realize that they have made a huge mistake in their own life.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
The dwarf you made a deal with 16 years ago will return and ask you for your firstborn. He also wants you to stop calling him a dwarf and to sign the divorce papers already.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
Diedre, our mighty protector, thank you for leaving us extra work to do while you are out of the country. We would be lost without you!
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
Hmm, all I see is a melted pumpkin. Oh wait, that’s you.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Uh, you’re putting a lot of pressure on us here. Have you heard of therapy?
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
You will walk by a dog and its owner on the street. The dog will ignore you because it knows who you really are.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
You’ll attend your first concert in over a year! It will be ruined as soon as you remember how much you hate being around people.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
After learning that your ancestors were part of the American Revolution, you will bring it up every time someone asks you to kindly put your mask on at Sur La Table.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Oh my fucking God, get it together! It’s just embarrassing now.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
You will order a meal just for yourself from a local restaurant. The order will include six sets of utensils.