Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
You are what you eat. Which makes you a greasy cheeseburger.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
This week you will decide to go back to your boyfriend. Too late! He's dead.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
You’ll finally get your Ancestry DNA results back this week. The results will show you’re 50% Irish and 50% not your father’s child.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
The new girl at work sure is pretty, isn't she? This week you will start talking like her, dressing like her, and ultimately try to kill her. Kinda weird...
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
Your radiance pulls people towards you. It's a real miracle you're alive. (Diedre, is it okay if we let your daughter out of the broom closet? She says she can't breathe in there.)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
You will meet the love of your life this week: a massage wand that doubles as a vibrator.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Penny for your thoughts? How about $100 if you just stop talking?
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Like the lion you roar. Like that lion in The Wizard of Oz. He's a coward.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
You'll find out the guy you've been dating likes Joe Rogan this week. Back to the drawing board.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
This week you will be sucked into a wormhole that will take you to an alternate universe where you are the popular girl in high school. Just kidding, that is ridiculous. Not the part about wormholes, but the part where you could ever be popular.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Looks like this year your fall fashion inspiration is a pumpkin. Because you're fat.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
A peeping tom will decide to stop sneaking peeks at naked women when he sees you in the nude. It wasn't pretty.