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How I Got Promoted by Pretending a Serial Killer Murdered My Mom

Never underestimate the power of pity.

It started off innocently. I wanted to take three weeks off from work to go on a nudist retreat with my yogi friends. I was out of PTO days and I wasn't doing so great at work to ask for more time off.

So I lied and said my mom died. "It was so was a murderer….like a serial killer like Ted Bundy or someone….yeah, you haven't heard about it on the news because she's far away...yes, thank you...I just need this time to grieve."

And like that I was off to Southern California. I had so much sex I was sore for a week afterwards.

Upon my return to work, I had to keep up the act. I wore black for a week and started to fake hyperventilating fits to get afternoons off.

One day my boss called me into the office and told me Helen was leaving the company. He said, "I know you have had a lot to deal with the past month or so. We want to offer you the job if you'll take it."

I almost burst into laughter. But I quickly covered that with another bout of hyperventilating. I said "Thank you, yes. I would love that."

And with the extra income I planned a trip to Greece. I'll be able to take six weeks off to "attend the trial." I hope he gets the death penalty so I can take time off to attend the execution.


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