Getting into my line of work was no easy task. I had to ask my father several times to make me his CFO despite my lack of experience and intelligence. But it happened, and here I am, making seven figures at a Fortune 500 company.
As a CFO I rarely see the many no-names who work in the corporate office. After watching Diedre's Ted Talk on Getting Ahead by Asking People to Do Things for You, I realized I should also share my vast knowledge of nepotism and greed with the underpaid (if paid at all), bright-eyed interns who come through our doors and stay for a week before they switch internships.
My first mentee was a young 22-year-old who had just graduated from NYU. Once I asked her what she wanted in a career, she started talking about pride in her work, a sense of purpose, yadda yadda. I told her, "No, those aren't good. You're going to have to change that." I then sat her down and told her she would have to follow me around and learn how to force her way up the company ladder by asking for favors from people she has power over through blackmail tactics and the like.
She left the next day.
My next intern was a vivacious and plucky young man named Greg. His parents lived in the Hamptons, he said, and he'd gotten the internship after his parents extorted the head of the department. I was already impressed. He had good genes.
Greg had no qualms shadowing me and witnessing all the many dirty dealings I made throughout my busy days. He loved it. I made him my assistant in a matter of a few days.
But after a week, I caught Greg in an alley by a dumpster with a bloody axe. He told me he was just at a costume party, which I found perfectly normal.
In three months, Greg was behind bars after murdering several coworkers and other interns at the firm, as well as a few hookers. I was astonished. I thought he was just like me. We both loved Phil Collins and getting great seats at restaurants.
Oh well. Onto the next one!