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How to Make Spiked Apple Cider to Forget You Just Spent Your Paycheck at the Apple Orchard


It’s autumn and that means it’s apple-picking season! You went to the apple orchard with your besties and decided to blow what little money you had left on apples and pumpkins. What else were you supposed to do? Your friends were all going hog wild and you had to keep up appearances. Now that you’re home and all by yourself with no food in the fridge, might as well drink the night away forgetting your rent is due next week.


  1. Mash up the apples with the potato masher that will definitely break in the midst of the job as it’s on its last legs and you can’t afford another one.

  2. Put some sugar and cinnamon in the apple mash, and some water or something. Don’t have cinnamon? Just pretend you do.

  3. Dump some water in there and slosh it around. Your water was turned off? Then just skip to step 5.

  4. Boil the water. Didn’t pay the gas bill? Just skip to step 5.

  5. Dump your last bottle of liquor into your mashed up apple concoction. Doesn’t matter what kind; it’ll taste like shit at first but it’ll taste better with every sip. Or just skip to step 6.

  6. Throw your bowl of mashed up apples in the trash and guzzle that liquor! You can worry about moving back home tomorrow.