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How to Throw the Perfect Dinner Party Even When You're a Busy Serial Killer

We've all been there – it's the morning of your big dinner party and you've got a dead body in the trunk. Not only is the cake still at the bakery and your dress at the dry cleaners, but all of your best knives are covered in hookers' blood. Don't worry, we've got you covered. Here's how to still knock 'em dead with a killer dinner party!


1. Clean the House


First thing's first. You'll need to make your house spotless. This involves cleaning up the dried spots of blood you left behind after your midnight rendezvous in the alley. Any dead body parts lying around the house? Have your maid take them to the dump. Give her an extra $20 to keep her mouth shut and hold deportation over her head if she even thinks about going to the cops!



2. Prep the Food


Prepping your food for the big night is crucial to being stress-free the day of the event. I like to make the dessert ahead of time just in case the mood strikes and I'm cruising the highway at dusk looking for a good time. Plan a-head if you're gonna chop-a-head (off).


3. Decorate

Some may say that decorating is all about personal preference. I consider it a must-do, as it can help cover up any weird stains or evidence your guests might accidentally stumble upon. I have a Halloween in May party, a Halloween in June party, Halloween in December party even when it's Christmas, just in case I missed a hand or a leg somewhere. Pro tip: decorate your house all year long in the goth style to always keep your guests off the scent.



4. Deciding the Menu


It may be tricky to find time to decide on the perfect menu. I like to do it as I saw off the limbs of my victims. Should I serve roast lamb or chicken? - squirt! - Escargot or caviar? - whack! - Cognac or vermouth? - Grunt! "Oh you sure are a big one, aren't you? This is going to take me all night!"


5. Party Games


Games like charades and Trivial Pursuit are always fantastic entertainment at a party. Just make sure the phone's off the hook (or on mute) in case the police catch on to you and want to spoil your plans. If they show up, invite them in for a few cocktails and let them talk to your hottest friend. She'll get them distracted enough in case you need to hide more evidence.