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Hula Hooping My Way to Feeling Superior

I remember when I was a young girl my father used to sit me on his knee and tell me stories about poor people. I would laugh and laugh when he told me they used to spin these plastic whirly disks around their bodies to get through their horrible lives. Little did I know how important the hula hoop would become in my own life...and I never had to be poor to understand that.



It all started at Coachella. I was checking my Instagram during the Arcade Fire set and noticed a group of girls with hula hoops getting lots of likes and comments on their pictures at the event. I thought immediately, "How did they afford tickets to Coachella?


"And why were they getting more likes than me?"


I was shocked. I tried to ignore my feelings like I usually did, but I couldn't. I started to cry. What did they have that I didn't? Well, that was obvious. I didn't have a goddamn hula hoop.


Ever since then I have been hula hooping. My videos range from hula hooping near a fire to hula hooping by a pool. I have joined several hula hoop cults and sleep with countless potheads and drug addicts to feel centered. It's all about finding the thing that will get you the most likes on your Instagram posts, and for me, that was the hula hoop. I now have more followers on Instagram than my model cousin, and that makes me feel like a success. Find that thing that you are missing and exploit it until you feel better than everyone else. That's what I did and now I am better than everyone else.


Are you unhappy with your life? Do you need advice from someone who's better than you? Check out my advice column, Dear God, Help Me Baeli!