All I wanted was to relieve myself of the cramps I had from eating the Taco Bell I got for the road. How would I know that a self-administered enema full of coffee would be dangerous?
The cramps were so unbearable (thanks to a loaded Crunchwrap supreme and two bean burritos) that the only place I could pull over was a seedy gas station/Long John’s Silver/Arby’s combo. I ran and locked myself in their single bathroom and attempted to rectify the situation but no dice. Some say they can still hear my moans of “I should have stopped at a Panera!” can still be heard today.
I then pulled out my trusty coffee enema kit that I read about in one positive article (while strategically ignoring several negative articles). This oughta do the trick!
It did not.
And so now, dear readers, I reside in this gas station bathroom for eternity. I ask of you to please don’t make the same mistakes as me and to please for the love of God, flush the toilet! It smells awful in here!