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I Tried Gua Sha and Now My Face Looks Like a Thumb

As a woman in her twenties, I am constantly reminded of the inevitable aging process my pore-free, nubile skin will soon go through. After lots of trial and error with collagen creams, preventative botox and hanging an aging portrait of myself in my house, I knew it was time to find a more effective method to keep my skin’s youthful glow. Then I learned about Gua Sha.

Gua Sha involves scraping a flat rounded tool made of jade over the skin. It has been used in ancient Chinese medicine, which means I knew it was something I had to appropriate and use to keep myself looking young.

I bought my first Gua Sha stone from a seller in SoHo who instructed me how to use the stone. They said to be careful not to do it too much. Once a day max, no more. While they told me about all of the health benefits, I daydreamed about my soon-to-be radiant skin. Excited, I went home right away to start my first Gua Sha session.

After using the stone, I noticed my already glowing skin was glowing even more and was less puffy than usual. I was in awe of my Gua Sha stone and wanted more...but remembering the shop seller’s strict instructions, I tucked the stone safely away in its drawer and went to bed.

The next morning, I was excited to Gua Sha again, this time using a cream with it. Flawless. My co-workers lauded me with compliments on my skin all day. I am a powerful nymph amongst these aging mortals. One more Gua Sha session today couldn’t hurt, could it?

I performed the routine again before bedtime, noticing my skin becoming even more taut, even smoother. The world will fall to my knees. I dreamt that night of my face out-shining the sun and scorching my enemies. Oh yes, they will tremble!

The next morning, I woke up, still dreary from sleep, but adamant about keeping my Gua Sha routine. My skin needs more. I must have more!

I stumbled into the bathroom and frantically dug into the drawer to grab the mystical stone. As my shaky hands prepared to scrape my face, I was stopped in my tracks by a face in the mirror that I did not recognize. A face that was not my own. I dropped the cursed stone and screamed.

My skin had become more taut, alright. My skin now pulled so tight that my distinctive features were gone: my lips smoothed over, my sharp cheekbones now flat, my skin’s rosy glow gone. My face had become a thumb. I had gone too far.

As I hide away from the world for the rest of my life to avoid getting trash thrown at me or tagged in any Instagram photos, I ponder the tough lessons I learned: 1. Don’t take instructions lightly. 2. Accept yourself for who you are. 3. Bangs will only enhance your thumb face.


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