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My Boyfriend Was Reincarnated as a Raccoon and Now Won't Stop Eating My Trash


It was a tragic day. Chad went a little crazy and drank too many mimosas at brunch. Next thing you know he was floating in the ocean after a freak boogie boarding accident.


I was overcome with mild sadness. All the times Chad and I spent together staring at our phones and asking each other to take each other's pictures for Instagram kept playing over and over in my head. There was nothing I could do to stop not crying.



A few weeks after the accident, I woke up to a sound in my front yard. I looked on my security camera and saw a large raccoon rifling through my garbage can. I was not about to go out to stop the thing, but something told me that it was no ordinary raccoon.


From that point on, the raccoon came every night to pick out my trash. I guess he really enjoyed quinoa.


I spoke to my psychic some time after that. She took my hand and did her usual chanting and wailing. At the end of it, she told me that Chad had been reincarnated as an animal. I knew she meant the raccoon.

I was horrified. I hate raccoons (and all animals). Chad must have been a real loser to become a raccoon in this next life of his.


And so now I have to kill Chad. Maybe he'll come back as a human this time. Or maybe a bug, as he won't stop being a bad raccoon eating my trash. I'm setting poison tonight to get rid of this nuisance. It is the only way.


Goodbye, Sweet Chadwick.