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New Bride Can’t Wait To Fake A Personality For The Rest Of Her Life

Marina Givens, 26, is getting married today.

“Really, it’s the best day of my life. This is honestly the happiest I’ve ever been. No one can even understand the joy I feel as someone that’s marrying a man that they really, like, love,” Givens said. But they almost didn’t meet.

“I was walking down the street and had just finished my iced gluten-free six-pump vegan hazelnut soy mochaccino and needed to tinkle really bad. I ducked into the nearest store to use the potty and there he was behind the counter, this handsome hunk of a man stuck working in a moldy old bookstore. It was so sad and really boring, but I knew I really wanted to sit on his face so I had to talk to him.”

While using the bathroom Givens performed an internet search on her phone of “how to talk to people who read books.” Once she had a few lines memorized, she thought she could just swing the rest. “And it worked! Our first date was that very night! Luckily we just got really drunk so I didn’t have to say a lot of book things.”

Fast forward six months later and now they’re tying the knot. “As far as he knows, I’m a Democrat vegan who plays the harp and has a degree in economics. We’re going to be so happy!”


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