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New Home Tips: Horrid Insect Monsters That Need To Die But Are Actually Your Friends


Moving to more rural areas is in vogue thanks to a desire to escape the urban grind, venture capitalists driving up housing costs, and a burgeoning appreciation for four hour commutes. There’s something to be said for being able to call six acres of unmolested nature your own, but with that comes six acres of the most disgusting creatures wrought by the terrible flames of evolution. Many of these godless creatures are actually essential elements of a healthy ecosystem, and should not be burned down along with your new home.

Historically, rural neighbors have stepped in to educate their recently urban friends as to which insects and bugs are harmful or helpful, but they’re all pissed at you for turning their county blue. Instead, rely on this list to help you navigate your new life far beyond the distance that your old friends would be willing to commute to hang with you. 1: Sudden Leaping Spider of Somewhat Rapid but Very Painful Death This little one may be scary to look at and die from, but she’s actually very cool and hosts a weekly dinner party. See if you can get an invite!



2: Hitler Cockroach It can be extra unsettling to see this little asshole scuttling about while whistling Westerwaldlied, and truth be told, he provides absolutely nothing to the environment. His presence reminds us that, no matter how horrible we are, we could be worse.


3: Pervo Gecko Sure, he may have a face that screams ‘I’m gonna watch you undress every night’ but these agile climbers are phenomenal Mosquito hunters. They definitely will watch you undress.

4: Wasp Your instincts and common sense may scream to perform a small genocide against these shits, but they are phenomenal for promoting agility and development of your sprint speed. 5: Bumblebee Absolutely annoying, but relatively important for the life cycle of many plants. Nearing extinction, so the choice to help or harm may be moot. Keep your A/C cranked during your commute to your work in the city and you won’t have to worry about this little guy much longer.


6: Communist Ants Your food may be our food but these industrious workers are essential to healthy soil and the elimination of the bourgeoisie. 7: That’s It Strongly consider murdering anything else you see.