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New Year, New You, New Reasons to Hate the New You


Yeah, you lost weight but guys are looking for women with thick thighs and dump truck asses.


Yeah, you learned to play guitar but no one wants to hear sad Ed Sheeran covers (the only songs you've learned).


Yeah, you read more often but now won't stop raving like a lunatic about Dostoyevsky, telling people he is the preeminent Russian existentialist of the early 1900s. No one even knows or cares what that means.


Yeah, you broke up with your toxic boyfriend but now because you have no one to fight with you start arguments with passersby on the streets about socialism.


Yeah, you're going to therapy now but getting in touch with your inner child has unlocked several frightening dissociative personalities.


Yeah, you're earning more money but can't buy a flight to Saturn, the only thing you want to spend money on now that your third personality Zingbar has taken over your body.


Here's to another new you next year! (It can't come soon enough)