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Our Favorite Detox Cleanses That Definitely Won’t Cause Anal Bleeding

Nothing But Coffee: Just, drink coffee the entire time. Seven days ought to do it. Three times a day. You’ll feel so good at the end, and you definitely won’t need to be rushed to the hospital by the end of it!

Sugarfree Gummi Bears and Cigarettes: These will flush you right out, and the chain smoking will suppress those nasty hunger pains. You’ll look so good in your g-string bikini this year!

Drinking Actual Blood: We prefer animal blood, but we won’t judge where it comes from! Flushing your system out with this iron-rich cleanse, you won’t even know if the blood is yours or not!

*The Glowt may or may not condone any of these detox cleanses for legal reasons. We suggest you speak with your crystal advisor before participating in a cleanse.*


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