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Pulled Kegel Muscles and Other Reasons My Girlfriend Won’t Have Sex With Me

I know it’s an absolutely real and legitimate injury, but can you really pull your Kegel muscle nine times a month?

After 9:00 pm, she only has time for Nineteenth-Century Russian Literature. I know how important it is to stay sharp on your current Tolstoy and Dostoevsky, but come on!


She always has to take a shower and a nap after sessions with her Yoga instructor Dave. That guy really tires her out; I didn’t know Yoga was so strenuous.


She wants us to have twin beds a la “I love Lucy.” We’re getting rid of our plush foam King mattress and getting twin beds so we can role play as Lucy and a butch Ricky.


She tells me she’s running away with Dave. Apparently those few men she experimented with in college weren’t just a phase and she now wants to be with a man.


I guess there’s no other choice but to end it and figure out how to share custody of our rescue ferrets.