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Sex, Drugs & Barrel Rolls: The Life of a Coke-Addicted Professional Mermaid


Ever since I was a little girl, the mermaid lifestyle appealed to me. I loved to swim, snorkel and pretend I was interesting. So when I got the opportunity to become a professional mermaid, I leapt at the chance.


But let me tell you something, being a professional mermaid is hard work. I am hired to perform back-breaking stunts in the pools of the very wealthy. Their kids look at me as if I'm some kind of superhero so that entices them to pull my fins and ask for piggy back rides in the pool. I've almost drowned at least a dozen times by now.


Adult parties are even worse. Usually they'll hire me as a joke or a novelty on their yachts. They expect me to swim in the ocean as they get shit-faced and they've almost run me over on several occasions. One time a party forgot about me and left me behind in the middle of the sea. I had to hitch a ride with a passing Naval ship to get back to shore.



To keep up the charade, I have resorted to snorting cocaine before every assignment. I must admit it's gotten out of hand. One of the kids at a birthday party saw me take a bump and I had to pretend it was magical mermaid dust. She asked to try it and I told her it's only for mermaids and to go back to the tea party.


After the other Mermaids in my pod started complaining I was showing up late and not remembering the lines to our Mermaid songs, I decided to change course. I've enrolled in rehab and decided to live out my other dream of being a Professional Wife to a Rich Man.