As a Glowt-certified nutritionist (I printed my certificate in five minutes!), it’s my duty to guide poor souls lost in their health journey and point them straight towards my expensive “scientific” eating plan. It’s also my duty to document the curated foods I consume and shit out in a day to both inspire and motivate my followers so that they too can have a bowel movement as glorious as mine.
Breakfast - 16 oz Wheatgrass Juice
Since wheatgrass is pretty disgusting, I like to blend in oranges, apples and several scoops of protein powder to get me through the day. The massive amount of fiber really picks me up and takes me straight to the bathroom. It’s good to have a morning routine!
Mid-Morning Snack - Celery and Almond Butter
After I’ve sat on the toilet for an hour and my stomach has calmed, I feel a bit peckish and reach for organic celery with almond butter. This holds me for maybe an hour before I start watching videos about street food till lunchtime.
Lunch - Power Bowl (More Like Power Bowel)
I eat my bowl filled with quinoa, kale, lentils, sweet potato, and more kale slowly, being very mindful of my food and enjoying every bite. I also am very mindful of the extreme bloating I have now and mindful of the bathroom I run to.
Mid-Afternoon Snack - 5 Single Almonds
After my third bowel movement of the day, my body is cleared out and cleansed. It’s also hungry again and so I reach for my favorite snack, 5 single almonds. So satiating! Who could ever want more?
Dinner - Roasted Matsutake Mushrooms on a Bed of Wild Rice
For dinner, I’ve prepared a simple dinner for myself. The matsutake mushroom can cost up to $1,000 per pound, but I know it’s worth the price to power my mind, body, and soul. Also how much do regular mushrooms cost? $100?
Dessert - Think of What I’m Thankful For
After a day of satisfying meals that I totally eat everyday, I sit on my musical Toto toilet and write in my gratitude journal. The most satisfying thing in life are the people around you and enough money to be able to shit like I do.