(But Really About Me)
I am beyond excited to share my pearls of wisdom with you swine.
If you haven't heard of me – which seems impossible by now – I am the daughter of Benicio Sabazios, one of the War Hawk 5, a group of American businessmen who made their fortunes selling weapons to
murderous dictators in the '80s and '90s. I remember all the summers visiting Daddy in the palace Hussein lent him and soaking in all the culture of war-torn Iraq.
But when Daddy was unceremoniously imprisoned, I was unceremoniously kicked out of my Italian boarding school and forced to live with Mother and her new millionaire boyfriend in the Hamptons. It was a dark time in my life. I remember going weeks without a $50,000 shopping spree.
And then my fortunes changed. I took Father's advice and started my own business. I met a man named Claudio from Colombia who taught me the best business practices of drug muling. I was going in and out of the country with baggies of cocaine stuffed up my vagina. I was making money foot over fist, becoming incredibly fit with all the running around, and falling in love with Mickey Rourke.
Then it all came crashing down. The FBI tracked me down and told me that I would be making a permanent stop in prison with Daddy if I did not give up the names of my cocaine colleagues. I struggled with this for about five minutes. But after a quick bump in the bathroom, my mind became clear. I was not about to waste my best bikini bod years bunking it up with some lesbian named Shelly.
So I ratted them all out and became a household name. With that kind of traction, I was soon asked to participate in The Truly Hot Thirty-Something Babes of Suffolk County, a reality show I'm sure you're well aware of. They needed a hot, edgy blonde and chose me. I was now a bonafide star. Everyone was booking me for talk show appearances and using my catchphrase, "You whore!"
And I had three kids with Mickey.
After the show was canceled due to several of the hot babes dying from botched plastic surgeries and/or facing criminal indictments, I went on a year-long retreat to find myself. Once I discovered hot yoga and even hotter yoga pants, I decided that I was the wellness guru you needed in your life to get you through everything from difficult relationships to deciding what outfit matches your chakras.
So, I started The Glowt. And I recruited only the best and brightest wellness authors who in some way owe me a debt. I hope – no – I know you will find this magazine the most important text ever written.
Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org!