Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: November 8 - 14
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) When we said paint the town red, we didn't mean murder everyone, you freak. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) Your trip...
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Loosely Cited Wellness
HOROSCOPES FOR THE OVERPRIVILEGED AND UNDER-READ
The sign of o̶u̶r̶ ̶l̶o̶r̶d̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶s̶a̶v̶i̶o̶r̶ our founder, Diedre, is Taurus. What’s your sign? You can figure it out by knowing your birth date, dipshit.
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: October 18 to 24
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Your trip to the pumpkin patch this week ends with you picking the only pumpkin that has deadly flesh-eating...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: October 11 - 17
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Life is just a never ending episode of Squid Game for you, isn't it? Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) Remember when...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: October 4 - 10
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Go ahead and treat yourself to a cone filled with your favorite flavor! Too bad the ice cream parlor ran out...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: September 27 to October 3
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) You'll finally get the keys to your new home this week! In the back of your mother's house. Yes, it's the shed....
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: September 20 to 26
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) News from fashion week: textured fabrics are in! And everything about you is out. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) This...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: September 13 - 20
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Your TikTok post will go viral! But only because young people won’t be able to stop laughing at how bad you...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: September 6 -12
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) You are what you eat. Which makes you a greasy cheeseburger. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) This week you will decide...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: August 30 - September 5
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Is that a gun in his pocket or is he just happy to see you? … It's a gun. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) Your love...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: August 23 - 29
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Side parts...middle parts...why does it matter? Your hair will still look terrible. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: August 16 - 22
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Remember when you said you wanted a baby? You surely did not mean a baby spawned from Satan. Alas, such is your...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: August 9 - 15
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Something wicked this way comes! Don’t worry, the “wickedness” is just that smell your roommate left behind in...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: August 2 - 8
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Your pants will rip wide open at work in front of everyone on the day you’re wearing your period panties. Have...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: July 26 - August 1
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) We know you love cheetos, but do you have to wear the orange powder like a lipstick? Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: July 19 - 25
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Don’t worry about that huge zit on your face. No one is looking at you anyways. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) Your...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: July 12 - 18
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) If all the world's a stage, and we are merely players, you're the person playing the tree. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: July 5 - 11
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) You'll decide to start journaling this week only to fall asleep as you're writing because your life is so...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: June 28 - July 4
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Your community pool may have to close suddenly this week after they found out you were in it. Aquarius (Jan...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: June 21 - 27
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) James Corden will force you to do a Carpool Karaoke. The doors will be locked and there is no escape. Aquarius...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: June 14 - 20
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Not sure how to celebrate Pride month? How about stay home and let people have fun for a change. Aquarius (Jan...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: June 7 - 13
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Everything happens for a reason, even if we don’t know what that reason may be. Except for your parents’...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: May 31 - June 6
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) It's Memorial Day! Time to celebrate all the people who have sacrificed for the greater good. Something you...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: May 24 - 31
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Maybe you should take some time this week to think of ways to be less of a loser. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: May 17 - 23
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Congrats, you will lose 8 lbs this week! It’ll all be from your boobs, though. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) May is...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: May 10 - 16
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Life is short. And so is the man you're going to meet on your date this week. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) The...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: May 3 to 9
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Your ex will leave a present at your doorstep. You'll realize too late it's a flaming pile of dog shit....
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Apr 26 - May 2
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Don’t worry, those new neighbors that moved in next door last week aren’t those serial killers you saw on the...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Apr 19 - 25
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) This week you will be sucked into a wormhole that will take you to an alternate universe where you are the...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: April 11 - 17
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) We hate to say it but we're pressing charges. You shouldn't have done that. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) You'll...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Apr 5 - 11
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Those braids you wore in your hair last weekend that you thought looked so good and flower child-esque actually...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: March 29 - April 4
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Aww, look at you trying a new hairstyle. It looks like shit, but hey, props for trying! Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: March 22 - 28
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Your method of wiping back to front has really served you well, hasn't it? That UTI is not going to go away for...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: March 15 -21
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Good luck on that gonorrhea diagnosis this week. Glad I’m not you. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) Congrats! You’ve...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: March 8 -14
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) You’ll finally get your Ancestry DNA results back this week. The results will show you’re 50% Irish and 50% not...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: March 1 - 7
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) This week you will go whale watching and fall overboard. Sadly, everyone will mistake you for a large sea...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Feb 22 - 28
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Do us all a favor and maybe don’t sign up for virtual open mic night again. No one enjoyed that. Aquarius (Jan...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Feb 15 - 21
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) While in your sensory deprivation tank, instead of relaxation you will start to hallucinate and see the face of...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Feb 8 - 14
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Love is in the air this week! But not for you. Plague is in the air for you. Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18) Oh honey,...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Feb 1 - 7
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) You’ll walk around saying ‘Oh I’m such a Capricorn” this week, and everyone will hate you for it. Aquarius (Jan...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Jan 25 - 31
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Your consistent progress for Dry January will be disrupted by your insistence to medicate your allergies that...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Jan 18 - 24
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) You realize this week that when Armie Hammer messaged you on Instagram last year, he wasn't looking to eat you....
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Jan 11 - 17
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Watch out for black cats this week. Not because they’re bad luck, but because one of them is going to scratch...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Jan 4 - 10
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) New year, new you! Just kidding, you’re going to make the same mistakes you made last year. Aquarius (Jan...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Dec. 28 - Jan. 3
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20) This week you will go blind. And deaf and dumb. And you also suck (but you should have already known that)....
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Dec. 21 - 27
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Congratulations, you made it through the year without getting COVID-19! But you do have syphilis. Aquarius (Jan...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Dec. 14 - 20
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19) Your birthday season starts soon, but no one cares. Everyone’s buying Christmas gifts and expects one from you...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Dec. 7 - Dec. 13
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20) This week you'll finally find a man who cares. Just not for you. Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19) Your loyalty to...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Nov 30 - Dec 6
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20) Don’t worry about that huge zit on your face this week. No one is looking at you anyways. Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb...
Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: November 23-30
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20) Better go easy on the turkey and mashed potatoes this week. Actually, skip it. You’re getting fat. Aquarius...
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