Celebrate Your Bleak Irish Heritage with an Angela's Ashes St. Paddy's Day Bash!
One day of the year, everyone goes all out celebrating their Irish heritage by drinking beer and getting in bar fights. This year, steep...
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Loosely Cited Wellness
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Poor People Are Humans, Too, and Other Christmas Fairy Tales
'Twas the Night Before Christmas, and all through the House, the diamonds were shining, on Mommy's new blouse. Oh, the magic of the...
Talking to Your Son's Low Income Girlfriend This Thanksgiving: Compliment Her Target Sweater Dress
As a mother of insane wealth and privilege, I have no idea how to relate to or even communicate with people of lesser means. What do they...
Three Spooky Halloween Stories that All Involve Getting Dumped by Your Boyfriend
On All Hallow's Eve when the moon is full and the wind breathes through the crisp fall leaves, an ominous feeling overtakes you and the...
Haunted House Not as Spooky as the Terrifying Monotony of Suburban Life
It’s spooky season! This morning, I went up to the local Starbucks to get my skinny no foam pumpkin spice latte, and it was crazy...I ran...
How to Make Spiked Apple Cider to Forget You Just Spent Your Paycheck at the Apple Orchard
It’s autumn and that means it’s apple-picking season! You went to the apple orchard with your besties and decided to blow what little...
House Cleaning Hacks that Are Just Turning Your Children into Servants
Tired of seeing your house in disarray because you're too busy snorting cocaine and sleeping with the pool boy to do anything about it?...
Movie Night Has Lowest Attendance on Record After Least Popular Friend Picks Film
Movie night has always been a fun night for me and my friends. Instead of going out to the clubs and getting blackout drunk every time we...
Teach Your Kids To Be Edgy By Showing Them How To Give Prison Tattoos
Are your kids getting a little too soft for your liking? Are they not being invited to as many birthday parties as you’d like? There may...
Fall Crafts You’ll Get Frustrated With Halfway Through and Throw into the Fireplace
I’m loving this new hobby of mine where I whip up a batch of my homemade chickpea matcha brownies and a steaming hot cup of kombucha miso...
Three Fall Recipes that Are So Simple No One Wants to Eat Them!
Is there a chill in the air? A crunch of dead leaves on the ground? A subtle shift in the wind that foretells evil will be unleashed upon...
New Home Tips: Horrid Insect Monsters That Need To Die But Are Actually Your Friends
Moving to more rural areas is in vogue thanks to a desire to escape the urban grind, venture capitalists driving up housing costs, and a...
Three Fun Games for Your Awful Brat's Sixth Birthday Party that No One Wants to Attend
Has it really been six years already? It feels like a lifetime to everyone else. Your annoying and entitled six-year-old has brought...
How to Turn Your Sex Dungeon into a Kids' Playroom
Take out the whips and chains and bring in the blankets and toys! It's time to turn the sex dungeon you created with your weird...
Tips for Living in a Tiny House: #1 Don't!
Once I graduated from college and was forced out of my ex-boyfriend's home after I doused his clothes in gasoline, I decided to purchase...
The Best Wall Decor For Your One-Bedroom Spinster Cottage By The Sea
Maybe you can get another cat too! A faded painting of a cheery carnival scene. You’ll need to remember that people have fun, unlike you...
5 Patriotic Messages Published by Russian Bots to Share
“The task of the government is not only to pour honey into a cup, but sometimes to give bitter medicine." "Navalny is hijacking our...
4th of July Drinks to Forget American History
This Independence Day, celebrate with friends, family, and drinks that will completely erase your memory of our country’s problematic...
Teaching Responsibility: Showing My Kids How to Tell the Maid Their Room Needs Cleaned
As a busy mom, it can be hard to ensure my kids are learning the values I learned as a child. In between yoga class, brunch, charity...
Three Summer Recipes with No Pictures Except Me in a Bikini
It's summertime! What better way to start the summer off right than with tasty summer recipes and superfluous pictures of me posing in...
Gardening is So Rewarding when Someone Else Does it for You
Lately, I’ve gotten really into gardening. It’s been all over my insta lately...because my plants are so important to me. They’re also...
Decorating your House with Inspirational Messages of Hate and Self-loathing
It’s important to keep that ego in check; instead of lifting you up, how about some messages to deflate that big, stupid head of yours?...
How To Host A Sad Little Party In Your Sad Little Studio Apartment
It’s time to show your friends you’re a responsible adult by showing off your very own 400 square-foot slice of heaven! Put up string...
New Summer Superfoods; Protein-Packed Cicadas and Recipes to Try!
I know I’m tired of the same old thing every year...the weather’s warmer and making that 26-grain quinoa salad or those...
Candles that Smell Like the Time You Lost Your Virginity in the Back of Michael's Car
Help you and your loved ones relive the night you and Michael stumbled into having sex for the first time – well, he said it was his...
3 Easy Gourmet Meals You Can Pretend to Have While You’re Eating Shrimp-Flavored Ramen & a PBJ
Rosemary-Kale Meatloaf Just gather all the fresh ingredients from your non-existent backyard garden and pull out that organic,...
Healthy Recipes That Ask for Ingredients Not Accessible to You Peasants
Creamy Breakfast Fonio Porridge (Newly Discovered Magic Grain!) We’re so over quinoa. Time to colonize another grain! Used in many West...
The Glowt Staff's New Year's Resolutions
What's your New Year's Resolution? "To grow The Glowt brand by targeting, I mean helping 25 to 50-year-old suburban women with lots of...
How We're Spending the Holidays This Year
How are you spending the Holidays this year? "My family and I will be in the Bahamas for Christmas Day. Then Turks and Caicos, then...
Gluten-Free Holiday Sides That Are Just Protein Bars We Brought in Our Purse
Whether you’re spending this Holiday season with friends or family, one thing is for sure: They won’t remember that you adhere to a...
Easy Solo Thanksgiving Meals That Are Just Wine
Half Full Zinfandel From Yesterday Resourceful and easy to prep! We stan a culinary queen!!!! Pricey Chardonnay We Felt Pressured to Buy...
How to Spend Thanksgiving Alone When You Have No One to Remind You're Vegan
Deliver Hot Meals to the Homeless As you deliver turkey meals to hungry people in need, remind each one that they can still get a good...
What We're Thankful for This Year
What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving? "Mickey Rourke’s yacht, my extra millions buried in a Somalian cave, my secret bunker... Oh,...
Inspirational Fall Messages to Hang in Every Room to Maintain Your Crippling Anxiety Disorder
Fall is here and we are falling for these inspirational fall messages for the fall. Fall, fall, fall. Wow, what a great time of year....
How to Throw the Perfect Dinner Party Even When You're a Busy Serial Killer
We've all been there – it's the morning of your big dinner party and you've got a dead body in the trunk. Not only is the cake still at...
How to Get Rid of Those Pesky Skid Marks Your Nudist BF Leaves on Your White Furniture
Picture it: you’ve just finished a sumptuous meal of takeout from the vegan Nepalese restaurant down the street and you’ve just settled...
You Want this Recipe? Sorry, You Have to Hear a Story About My Kid’s Soccer Game First
I make the best vegan coconut-goji berry-chocolate chip-macadamia nut cookies with flax seed oil and wheat germ your google recipe search...
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