Woman that Says, “I Can’t Help It. I’m a Taurus” Actually Just Huge Bitch
Whenever my best friend Geenah tells me about something terrible she did, like cheating on her boyfriend, stealing money from her...
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Loosely Cited Wellness
LIFESTYLE
Exclusive! This Woman is Offended.
The Glowt will always be here to bring you the most informative information out there! We keep you up to date on all the important trends...
Embrace Your Inner Badass by Becoming a War Criminal!
Not since the Geneva Conventions have war crimes been this lit! And guess what? You are one tough bitch who doesn't let people fuck...
My Child is a Blessing and You are Garbage
Ever since I had my third little angel, it’s as if people have been treating me differently everywhere I go, and I just want all of them...
Instead of Candy, I’m Giving Out Advice This Year!
As a full-time, stay-at-home dog mom, life can get pretty hectic. Especially around this time of year, when all of these kids that are...
How I Learned to Love My Overweight Size 2 Body
I wish I could tell you I've always been proud of my body. That I felt good in clothes. But being overweight sucks. I can't tell you how...
I Tripped on Acid and Realized I Should Be Nicer to Poor People... So I'm Never Doing That Again
It was an amazing experience. At first. I saw colors so brilliant I thought I might cry. I could hear the universe buzzing around me. And...
It’s So Simple! Become Rich and Famous by Being Related to Someone Rich and Famous!
Fame and fortune has never been so easy to achieve. you basically don’t have to do anything but exist! How do you reach this level of...
Brave! This woman is 42.
It really takes a special kind of woman that can reach such an advanced age, and today, that’s you! You’ll be able to share your aged...
Girl Who Thinks She’s Doing Porn Actually Just Joined Roller Derby Team
Daiseigh Morris couldn’t believe her luck when she got a call back to audition for “An all-girl group. Must be able to do own makeup,...
Labor Day Ideas for Poor People Who Must Continue to Labor. You Better Get My Drink Order Right!
We rich people are incredibly grateful to all the poverty-stricken sad sacks who must toil and slave their days away endlessly helping us...
Why Buy More than One Diva Cup When You Can Just Share with Your Friends?
I can’t tell you how happy I was to finally stop spending all my money on tampons and pads. I felt like I was buying them every month!...
Pumpkin Spice? More like Pumpkin Too Spicy! Why I Only Drink Tepid Water
Now that fall is right around the corner, it’s time to get ready for all of the harvest-inspired headaches and the demon sex cult holiday...
How to Talk Sense into Conspiracy Theorists When You Believe in Detox Cleanses
The world is a crazy place. There are so many uncertainties, from the coronavirus to climate change to our political systems. This leads...
Diedre's Take: Bathing My Kids in Mud to Be the Latest Dirty Celeb Family
You've all probably heard by now of the latest trend in celebrity culture: not bathing. Celebs like Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher, Dax...
How To Hide The Fact You Have A Really Ugly Cousin
That annual family reunion is coming up, and you want Greg to meet your grandma and cool aunt and stuff, but what if she is there? Here...
Celebrating Independence Day by Disappearing from My Family
Every year I make a commitment to celebrate Independence Day by reclaiming my own independence from my obnoxious children and bumbling...
The Bottom Line: I May Be Offended By Something, But That Doesn’t Mean I Need To Understand It
I live a pretty simple life. I’m a loving wife and mother, and just trying to make the world a better place for my kids. I want them to...
I'm Not Like Other Girls, I'm A Dog with Sunglasses
I’m not like other girls. I don’t wear makeup. I wear sunglasses my owner puts on me for Instagram. I don’t wear dresses. I would look...
Showing Your Face At Zumba Even Though Your Kid Doesn’t Have A Gluten Intolerance
All the ladies are always talking about the special diets they lay out for their precious babies...they make their children sound like...
I Sleep With Girls but Only in the Month of June to Show My #Pride
Being a happily married wife to a wonderful man and mother of three, I’m a huge supporter of the LGBTQIA+ community. Eleven months out of...
Sex, Drugs & Barrel Rolls: The Life of a Coke-Addicted Professional Mermaid
Ever since I was a little girl, the mermaid lifestyle appealed to me. I loved to swim, snorkel and pretend I was interesting. So when I...
Trending: Why I Live My Life Vitamin-Free
In today’s world, there are a million and one things that go into your body that are bad for you. Do we really want to willingly add...
Who Needs Feminism When You’ve Got A Boyfriend?
I’m all for women’s rights and women working and driving cars and whatnot. But sometimes isn’t it just time to give it a rest? Especially...
Why Being a Stay-at-Home Mom Makes Me Better than You
You might say to yourself sometimes, gee whiz, I wish I could just stay home today and not be obligated to go to work. Well, luckily, I...
If it’s Not Plant-based, I’m Not Eating it! And Other Things I Say No One Asked to Hear
Nowadays, plants can be turned into anything...like even pizza or salad. Who knew!? I only eat plant-based foods because it’s better for...
Books I'm too Rich to Understand
Certain literature I was forced to read in high school completely went over my head. Not because I'm dumb, but because I lack compassion...
Gardening for Sociopaths: Plants Don't Have Feelings You Have to Consider!
Being someone who has no regard for other people's emotions and chooses to put myself first in all situations, I find it difficult to be...
How to Choose the Most Obscure Conversation Topics to Make Your Friends Feel Like Idiots
You know your friends are morons and inferior to your intellect, but do they know? Here’s how you can let them know their mind is...
2nd Grader’s Class Drawing About Sharing Accidentally Spread Nationwide as Communist Propaganda
Little Susie Fisher didn’t know her adorable drawing of her and Ms. Wilson’s 2nd grade class handing out bag lunches to needy children...
Have Trouble Sleeping? I Fall Asleep So Easily!
Apparently 7 out of 10 adults struggle with falling asleep and 3 out of 10 have insomnia, according to these sleep doctors. That must...
More Dream Interpretations By Baeli, Dream Scientist
I had a dream that I had a new calling, and took that as a sign that I need to help all my readers interpret their dreams and guide them...
Our Thoughts on Male Privilege Day
April 1 is Male Privilege Day, a day us Glowters hold in high esteem. We asked our employees how they felt about this special occasion....
Mansplaining: It’s Foolproof And Gets Things Done!
To Men: Time and time again, you’ll come across a woman who really needs your help. A damsel in distress, if you wanna get poetic about...
Reduce Your Carbon Footprint by Becoming a Ghost
I have long been an environmentalist because I like the hippie look. And in my studies I have found that humanity's carbon footprint has...
How To Talk To Fat People
The gas light on your Daddy’s Lexus turns on on the way to Palm Springs for Spring Break and you have to turn in to a gas station in the...
Great Gatsby-Themed Wedding Has Glitz, Glam, Vehicular Manslaughter
Collaboration with The Mother Faulkner, fake literary news. Visit @themotherfaulkner on Instagram! When Dahlia and Tim announced their...
Woman's Font Fetish Getting in the Way of a Normal Life
Brought to you by @TheMotherFaulkner. Arial, Comic Sans, Impact, Merriweather...hold on, she's about to finish. A woman in Naperville,...
Ways to Avoid Eye Contact with Homeless People and Not Look Like the Huge Bitch You Are
It's just the worst when you're strolling along Rodeo Drive and out of the corner of your eye you spot a figure hunched over, sitting on...
Happiness Tips from People With a Crap Ton of Money
Life feels like an endless chase. You constantly think “When I buy that designer bag, I’ll finally be happy.” or “When I hire a hitman to...
Eating for Five: Diet for Feeding My Multiple Personalities
Dealing with my five dissociative personalities and all their quirks can be quite the challenge. I, for one, am a morning person, while...
What I Shit in a Day
As a Glowt-certified nutritionist (I printed my certificate in five minutes!), it’s my duty to guide poor souls lost in their health...
“I’m Not Going To Sleep,” Says Girl About To Go To Sleep
It’s 2:46AM and she’s listing ten degrees to port. “I’m fiiine,” she says “I just need to put my feet up.” The other seven people at the...
Ways to Direct the Hate you Feel Towards Your Ex Towards Your New Neighbors
The divorce was messy. The kids are now your full responsibility. You are filled with rage. Is it time to focus that hateful energy...
Could you Poor Nerds Stop Buying GameStop Stock Already? I'm Losing my Fifth Home!
It is with a heavy heart that I turn to my Glowt followers to unburden myself today. Not that I expect any of you to understand as I make...
I Tried Minimalism and Now I Need to Borrow Your Toothbrush
As an intern at The Glowt, I benefit from all the free swag we get (rejected crystals, misspelled “The Blowt” t-shirts). But living in a...
Why I Substituted the Journaling Part in Bullet Journaling for Shooting
After another awful breakup with a toxic boyfriend (are any of them not toxic???), I read so many self-help articles, listened to...
Suburban Housewife Debunks Urban Legend Among Peers: You Actually Can Be Held Accountable For Action
If she knew she’d have charges brought against her for throwing that scalding-hot latte in the barista’s face, she never would’ve even...
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