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How to Not Scream in Horror When Your Boyfriend Invites You to the County Fair


James wasn't serious when he said he really loves monster truck rallies, race car derbies and pie-eating contests, was he? Unfortunately, sister, yes he was. The refined and smooth-shaven man you fell in love with has a dark side and it's that he has the interests of a carnival barker. He is going to ask you to attend the county fair with him, and here's how you should respond.


  1. Take a deep breath.

  2. Focus on his beautiful blue eyes.

  3. Hold back the scream. If a bit of it does come out, simply suggest that it was a scream of absolute pleasure.

  4. Tell him "Oh, how nice. I've never been to one before."

  5. Resist the urge to punch him in the face for suggesting you would enjoy the county fair. Of course you won't.

  6. Hug him deeply and say you'll go.


Now, in the months that follow before the fair, start poisoning yourself daily so that you develop a serious sickness where you can't possibly attend anything, let alone the worst event on earth. James will be so worried you'll die he won't even go. It's a win-win for everyone.