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How I Lost Weight by Stalking Drew Barrymore

I have always felt a kinship with Drew Barrymore. She, like me, grew up in the shadow of a Hollywood dynasty (my mother was a long-time extra on the show, "Happy Days"), and had a pretty chaotic childhood (while she became addicted to drugs and drinking, I on the other hand amassed an ungodly amount of Pogs and would spend hours playing with them by myself in my grandmother's basement).

And like her, I struggled with my weight. I went up and down on the scale for years, even though my doctor said that jumping on the scale like that does not provide an accurate measurement.

During my time in Rehab for White and Privileged A-Holes, I began to form a pretty dark obsession with the movie, Firestarter, which featured Drew as a child who could set things on fire with her mind. As pyromania was kind of my thing back then (which was why I was sent to the Rehab for White and Privileged A-Holes), I began to idolize Drew. I desired to be her, to look like her, to set fires like her, to do that weird thing she does with her mouth when she talks.

It wasn't until I combined my overwhelming urges to lose weight and become Drew Barrymore that I concocted a plan. I would become Drew Barrymore by offering my soul to the Dark Lord, kidnapping Drew and then taking over her body using a possession ritual I found on The Glowt website.

Getting in touch with the Dark One was easy. We were in constant contact ever since my teenage years when I would sacrifice one Pog to Him for another. I gave him pieces of my soul to trade up in the Pog world.

But finding and kidnapping Drew was another story. It took me months to find out where she liked to brunch. I was beginning to think she didn't even do brunch (what a thought!) until one day I found her sipping a mimosa with some ugly woman I had no interest in. But as soon as I got a table, she was gone.

Though I have yet to nab Drew and steal her body, I learned something in the process. By focusing all my efforts on finding a celebrity whose body I want to inhabit, I lost all the weight I was looking to shed! No more pesky cravings at 2 a.m. when I start thinking about Brent and how he forged my mom's signature to get in her will. That time is now better spent tracking Drew's every move online.

So although I am still on the hunt , I am pretty excited that I can now wear the jeans I wore back in high school and that I one day will become Drew Barrymore.


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