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New Diet to Avoid Eating: Just Dead Cockroach In Kitchen


Inspiration for innovation comes when we least expect it. We had tried every diet in the book. Keto, Peto, High-Interval, Paleo, Real Paleo, Paleo For Anthropologists, Poop More, you name it. They all failed because none of them took into account how we would not follow them. One second you and your beau are excited to start a new chapter of your new healthy life, and the next he’s heating up six microwavable burritos. The noise from the kitchen was indescribable and unforgettable. James would say he was ‘just surprised’. He came out of the kitchen, white-faced and burritoless. He wouldn’t talk about it (or get the damn burritos when the microwave dinged) and instead said he wasn’t hungry. I had had a cup of twice-blessed raw quinoa for lunch, so I was able to convince myself that I wasn’t hungry either. The next morning, my alarm and stomach woke me. Time for breakfast. Breakfast is healthy, right? Most important meal of the day and all that. I think about the six burritos perhaps still in the microwave. Should still be good? If not, maybe I could put the leftover blessed quinoa on a bed of kale. My stomach turned for a different reason.

Entering the kitchen, I saw it. It was lying on its back, little black eyes full of terror from the void. I thought about how I could maybe just avoid that side of the kitchen when I saw one leg move. Nope. I was good with skipping breakfast. It’s probably just a social construct designed to push cereal sales or something. I sought fulfillment in my work instead James and I had a Friday Stay-In Date night planned, and he voted for Fettuccini Alfredo, so plenty of calories were coming. Surely the beast would be gone by then? The night came. James came home. With trepidation, we entered the kitchen with the honest intention to make a carb-heavy meal for us to demolish. The horrid little thing was still there, legs now rigidly stretched towards cockroach heaven. What the hell? Nobody had come to remove it? Was this just the state of our kitchen forevermore? The silver lining is the incredibly low calorie intake. Perhaps this is the key, the missing element to all those diets that we needed. Nothing, absolutely nothing had been quite so effective. My mind is spinning with possibilities. Blog, book, talk show tour. This was our break. It’s so exciting that I feel lightheaded. Hold on, James is ordering Chipotle.