Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Don’t worry, those new neighbors that moved in next door last week aren’t those serial killers you saw on the news last night. They’re just cooking meth.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Congrats! After almost a year of social distancing, your friends forgot how annoying you are and actually want to hang out with you again! It’ll be short-lived though.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
This week your new boyfriend finally opens up to you. Too bad it’s to tell you he cheated on you with your aunt. Actually, your great-aunt.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
So many cute bathing suits to choose from this year for that post-pandemic beach trip you’ve been planning. Too bad absolutely none of them will look good on you.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
We have all become better people since the day we were graced with your amazing presence. You may have aged another year, but you’re looking younger and younger every day! (The happiest of birthdays to you Diedre! )
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
Stop telling everyone it’s a cold sore. It’s herpes. Herpes that you got when you made out with that guy you met at the bus station. Don’t lie to people.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
All of your friends are being nice saying "Oh, don’t worry about those extra pounds, I gained so much weight during the pandemic.” They didn’t, actually. It’s just you, and they’ve all noticed it. It’s all they talk about when you’re not around.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
You finally start smoking pot to defy authority and all of a sudden they make it legal. Better start shooting up heroin now.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Your long-lost high school crush will contact you out of the blue this week on social media. It’s only to tell you about his really hot wife’s new line of crocheted sweaters for guinea pigs she’s selling.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
You should probably just extend that “24 hours unplugged” to the whole week. Be real, no one’s calling you.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
It’s not just us. Your dog thinks you’re pathetic too.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
You’re such a good person for donating to your friend’s fundraiser to raise money for COVID vaccines for underprivileged youth. Too bad that money actually went to funding for gay conversion therapy. Whoops.