Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Those braids you wore in your hair last weekend that you thought looked so good and flower child-esque actually made you look like a sister-wife.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Congrats! Your friends will finally get blasted enough at the next hangout to not notice that you’re annoying af.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
You’ll get in an Uber this week with a live snake in it. Don’t worry, it’s just the driver’s therapy python.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
You know that urban legend where spiders lay eggs on your face and the person just thinks its a big pimple and then out bursts hundreds of baby spiders? Obviously that won’t ever happen. It’ll only be baby stinkbugs when it happens to you.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
Springtime is here, flowers are blooming and the sun is shining...but the world is always brighter no matter what time of year when you’re near! (Diedre rocks!)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
Letting your ex come over after that 2am “U up?” text? Sure, it wasn’t the best decision, but hey, everyone makes mistakes. And also, he gave you crabs.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
After watching the new Godzilla v Kong movie, you now have developed a new anxiety for supernatural monsters attacking your town. Have fun.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
That new Spring romper you bought looks so cute! But looks so much better on your friend who is way skinnier than you.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Great job spending all that time and energy getting your backyard ready with a fun croquet course! Literally no one will want to play, but still good job I guess.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Time for Spring cleaning! Also time to find where your daughter’s lost hamster went...it’s been decomposing behind the microwave for a few weeks. On the bright side you now know where the smell was coming from.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
This week you finally find out that that Chinese character tattoo you got on your ankle when you were 19 is a racial slur.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Sure, that new guy you’re into is super hot. But it might be time to add “micropenis” to your everyday vocabulary.