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Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Dec. 21 - 27


Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)

Congratulations, you made it through the year without getting COVID-19! But you do have syphilis.


Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

All those presents you’re going to get this week? You don’t deserve any of them.


Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)

Try not to leave the house this week. Not because of quarantine, but because no one wants to see you.


Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)

Everything happens for a reason, even if we don’t know what that reason may be. Except your parents’ divorce, you were the sole cause of that.


Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)


Everyone around you is blessed to be in your presence. Even during the hard times this holiday, you’re going to have a wonderful week filled with warmth, happiness, and loving admirers. Take care <3


Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)

A dark fog will fall upon you this week, which probably means you should stop drinking so much.


Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)

Taking the time and effort out of your busy schedule to craft all those handmade presents you sent to your friends and family was a beautiful gesture, but it won’t matter because they’re all going to hate it.


Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)

Treat yourself to that extra Christmas cookie and second glass of eggnog. No one wants to see you naked anyways.


Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Just face the reality that your social life didn’t change because of the pandemic this year. You already had no social life to start with.


Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)

All of the charities you donated to this year were scams.


Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Better start those New Years’ resolutions to diet and exercise now. You got fat.


Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)

Maybe next year will be your year to shine. It obviously wasn’t this year...or the previous five.