Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Congratulations, you made it through the year without getting COVID-19! But you do have syphilis.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
All those presents you’re going to get this week? You don’t deserve any of them.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Try not to leave the house this week. Not because of quarantine, but because no one wants to see you.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Everything happens for a reason, even if we don’t know what that reason may be. Except your parents’ divorce, you were the sole cause of that.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
Everyone around you is blessed to be in your presence. Even during the hard times this holiday, you’re going to have a wonderful week filled with warmth, happiness, and loving admirers. Take care <3
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
A dark fog will fall upon you this week, which probably means you should stop drinking so much.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Taking the time and effort out of your busy schedule to craft all those handmade presents you sent to your friends and family was a beautiful gesture, but it won’t matter because they’re all going to hate it.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Treat yourself to that extra Christmas cookie and second glass of eggnog. No one wants to see you naked anyways.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Just face the reality that your social life didn’t change because of the pandemic this year. You already had no social life to start with.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
All of the charities you donated to this year were scams.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Better start those New Years’ resolutions to diet and exercise now. You got fat.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Maybe next year will be your year to shine. It obviously wasn’t this year...or the previous five.