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Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: Jan 4 - 10


Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)


New year, new you! Just kidding, you’re going to make the same mistakes you made last year.


Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)


The Peleton bike you ordered will arrive and quickly turn into a really expensive place you hang your laundry by Day 4.


Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)


Your Keto diet will start off okay then fail about halfway through the week when you designate a block of Brie cheese as Keto-friendly.


Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)


This will be a time of enlightenment for you as you realize that people you know have been enjoying not having to find excuses to not invite you places.


Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)

Your employees missed you so much during the Holidays and will shower you with many gifts to show their appreciation! (Cartier watches, please!)


Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)


You’re up for a big promotion this week, but your boss will say explain it’s only a new job title and more work for the same pay. Climb that career ladder!


Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)


It’s best that you don’t know.


Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)


Things will get spicy this week for your love life. You’ll accidentally get jalapeno in your eyes while cooking enchiladas for the date you were trying to impress.


Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)


Can you not?


Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)


Your group chat will forget you’re there and start talking about the time you were so emotionally invested in the movie “Cats” that you stood up and applauded at the credits scene.


Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

For the love of God, get your shit together!


Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)


Your attempt at being positive this year will end this week with a showdown at Chick-fil-A over the last spicy chicken sandwich. You tried!