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Horoscopes for the Overprivileged and Under-Read: September 20 to 26

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)

News from fashion week: textured fabrics are in! And everything about you is out.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

This week you’ll order a hot chocolate from the local coffee shop to give yourself a nostalgic sweet treat. The marshmallows though? Those are actually spider eggs. Oops.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)

You’ll host your very last barbecue of the season this week, and consequently give all of your guests salmonella poisoning because you’re actually really terrible at grilling meat.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)

A simple shopping trip to grab socks turns into an 18-hour hostage situation in Bloomingdales. Don’t worry, you’ll be able to escape because the domestic terrorists just kinda forgot that you're there.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)

Your natural beauty and radiance outshines us all. We are all so lucky to have you in our lives to give us a shining example of what we can hope to achieve in looks, grace, and intelligence one day. (It’s all for you Diedre!)

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)

This week, you’ll notice you’re going gray...but only in your eyelashes.

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)

Just go sit over there and don’t bother us anymore.

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)

This week, you’ll meet the living legend, Tom Hanks! As his delivery driver...and he’ll tell you to leave the pizza with the gatehouse attendant.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

This week, temperatures are finally getting cooler so you’ll be able to wear ¾ sleeves now, to help you hide all that unseemly thick upper arm hair you have.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)

You will completely lose your shit this week when your pumpkin spice latte is accidentally made with allspice. How dare they!

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Your friends’ list will decrease by 50 after you share a selfie with #nofilter. In your case, always use a filter.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)

You’ll find out your gluten-free muffin you had for breakfast was a lie. It doesn’t contain gluten, but it does contain trace amounts of arsenic.

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