Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
You'll finally get the keys to your new home this week! In the back of your mother's house. Yes, it's the shed.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Persistence is key to conquering your fears! So go to the gym already.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Your sister will give birth to a bouncing baby boy this week! Too bad he's also your husband's son. So, nephew AND stepson to you?
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
We know you're not going to finish that salad mix. Might as well dump it in the trash before it rots inside your fridge.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
You are the essence of fall. You are the eternal angel of the forest. You bring magic wherever you wander. (Can we open the windows to let the office air out, Diedre? We think we might be getting carbon monoxide poisoning from all the smoke left behind after your labia candle set fire to the bathroom.)
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)
Want to know a secret? You're incredibly disliked by everyone around you.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)
The only joke people will laugh at during your set at the Comedy Club this week is you.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Ready to give dating another shot? Don't.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
The sights and smells of fall will burst through your windows this week! That's because your neighbor will throw a lit pumpkin through the glass after your dog takes a crap in his yard.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Another day, another dollar, another reason to consider moving back home because a dollar a day is not going to cut it.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Wait until the moon is waxing to call your ex-boyfriend to tell him you love him. By waxing we mean exploded because that's a stupid idea.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Not you again...